Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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