When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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