Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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