so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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