When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
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I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
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WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties