Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.