this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
