I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
