Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
