Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
