My friends, they love my intelligence
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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