I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
