Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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