I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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