shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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