I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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