LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
