I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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