When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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