I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
