GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
