3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Randomize
