In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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