You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
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why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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