You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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