Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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