her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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