my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
