My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
