I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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