the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
