DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
