I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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