I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Let's paint friendship bongs
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
not ubering you a puppy
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize