I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
