I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
