Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
