When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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