Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
