So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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