I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
