I think im going to throw up on grandma
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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