i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
