why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
