The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
