I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
