Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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