Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
