and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
