Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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