Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
