It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
