after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
