if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
