she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
