Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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