1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
