addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
