Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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