you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
