U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just cut my nipple shaving
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
